Happy Marriage Secrets: These Psychologists Share What They've Learned Over 50 Years Together

When Elaine Spaulding encountered Arthur Aron in their classes at the University of California, Berkeley, during the late '60s, she felt torn.

Both were delving into the field of social psychology. Elaine had reached her last year as an undergraduate student, whereas Arthur had just started his doctoral studies.

Arthur, sporting a ripped T-shirt and lengthy locks, served as the teaching assistant for her course. "He seemed rather intriguing and captivating," Elaine mentioned. Nevertheless, she expressed dissatisfaction with his management of the class proceedings.

However, as she was leaving after her final class, Elaine mentioned, "He approaches me and states, 'I believe I might be developing certain feelings for you.'"

Arthur, who was 79, remembered with a grin as he recounted their mutual gaze followed by a kiss.

Elaine, who is 80 years old, recalled their fervent romance with enthusiasm: "We were deeply smitten," she reminisced about the kiss they shared close to Telegraph Avenue, which stands as a iconic landmark representing Berkeley. She elaborated, "That moment was incredibly ardent. Our emotions from back then still run deep. The '60s in Berkeley had an electrifying intensity; everything felt so profound."

The duo entered into both personal and professional partnerships, becoming psychologists who devoted their careers to researching relationships and love. It was an additional three decades until they collaborated on writing the book. 1997 study behind “ The 36 Queries That Foster Love ." This list of questions gained popularity through a 2015 essay featured in The New York Times Modern Love section," To Become Enamored with Any Person, Try This .”

The Arons will mark their 50-year wedding anniversary on February 13 surrounded by loved ones in Mexico City. It's the decades they've shared that likely offer more insight into sustaining love than any set of questions could provide.

Who really needs a marriage license?

Following their initial kiss, relations between Elaine and Arthur progressed swiftly. They had lunch dates, started dating regularly, and within a few months decided to move in together. Soon after, they relocated to Canada to pursue advanced studies at the University of Toronto since Arthur was concerned about being drafted back home in the U.S. if he remained stateside.

Reflecting on their past, both were influenced by the counterculture movement of the 1960s and weren’t particularly inclined toward marriage. Prior to crossing paths, they had gotten hitched at 19—Elaine later remarked that it was quite naive to believe one truly understands life decisions at such an age.

Following their acknowledgment of errors committed previously, both were not keen on undergoing marriage once more.

"At Berkeley, we used to joke that we were all married to each other," Elaine recalled with a chuckle.

Don't allow marriage to interfere.

It took almost ten years before they reconsidered the notion after their 4-year-old son initiated an unexpected conversation. "One day, he came home and asked us what a bastard meant," Elaine recounted. "So we thought it was time to tie the knot."

Following seven years of cohabitation and raising a child, they tied the knot in the mid-1970s. On his wedding day, Arthur recalls getting some wise advice from his rabbi.

He stated, "Avoid letting marriage disrupt your connection."

Over half a century since they first met, the Arons remain partners, residing in Northern California. They continue their work on research and incorporate their life experiences into talks about relationships, with an emphasis on appreciation and disagreements. Actually, Elaine mentioned that they came close to separating several times.

She referred to it as 'splitting up the belongings' when they began figuring out how to live separately," she explained, "but we truly gained some insight.

Spend time listening to one another.

A significant error they think individuals commit is failing to listen adequately to each other; therefore, they establish guidelines to adhere to when engaging in arguments.

One individual would speak uninterrupted for five minutes, while the other wouldn't interject at all, merely listening," Elaine explained. "Feel free to jot down your disagreements, but refrain from commenting.

Thereafter, the other individual would receive an equal amount of time to respond and have the opportunity for a rebuttal prior to pausing the conversation for one day.

What occurs is that you're compelled to witness the extent of suffering you inflict upon others," Elaine stated. "Confronting this pain forces you to reflect on your actions and consider if continuing them is something you wish to do.

Partners might also have to seek external assistance, they both mentioned. During different stages of their marriage, Elaine faced various challenges and sought therapy. "It improved how she felt, and consequently strengthened our bond," Arthur stated.

Elaine remarked, "It's incredibly tempting to walk away," and she shared how some of her acquaintances chose to exit their marriages during their 50s and 60s. These same individuals now express regret for not being married anymore since having a companion can become quite rewarding as one gets older. However, according to Elaine, this partnership should ideally involve someone whom you deeply admire and enjoy spending time with.

They continue to work and engage in activities together.

Their ongoing research contributes positively to maintaining the health of their relationship.

A recent study highlighted the advantages of being close friends with coupled individuals for enhancing relationships. "This connection broadens our horizons," remarked Arthur, who has also explored how regularly engaging in novel and demanding pursuits together can strengthen partnerships.

In 2020, as the pandemic started, Elaine and Arthur joined a video call with another pair of individuals to pose these 36 questions to one another.

That was truly beneficial for us. We're constantly seeking out exciting new activities," remarked Arthur, noting that they don't necessarily have to revolve around their jobs.

We enjoy spending time outdoors together and taking walks," he stated. "We make an effort to discover various hiking paths. Almost every summer, we visit Europe and explore new locations there, moving from one village to another for about one or two weeks.

They value each other’s distinctions.

Although Elaine and Arthur frequently engage in both professional tasks and shared hobbies, their personalities and temperaments vary significantly.

Elaine mentioned, "Our studies haven’t shown whether individuals fare better with someone similar or someone dissimilar; however, both types can be effective. Yet, their effectiveness stems from distinct mechanisms. For them to function well between partners who possess differing temperaments necessitates substantial admiration for each other."

Elaine specializes in researching highly sensitive individuals and considers herself more sensitive compared to Arthur. Additionally, she frequently takes charge when making decisions.

I tend to take care of that more often than he does, and he acknowledges my efforts greatly," Elaine mentioned, mentioning her role in selecting the hiking paths. "I understand what conditions will be like depending on the specific time of day or season—how shady it might get, how warm it could become, as well as how muddy the trail may turn out. That's why I decide our walking routes.

Respect and admiration

Reflecting back, Elaine stated that she thinks respect holds greater importance than love over time.

"There are numerous issues that can arise over the course of a marriage," she stated.

She has gained immense knowledge from her husband as well, describing him as "undoubtedly the most kind individual" she knows. She emphasized, "I truly appreciate kindness; I genuinely do." Both of them strive to treat one another with great consideration, always using plenty of 'pleases' and 'thank-yous.'

Years back, as Arthur fondly recalls with an excited grin, he applied some research to his bond with Elaine that highlighted the importance of rejoicing in a partner's achievements.

We recently sent off an article about her research on highly sensitive individuals to an extremely prestigious journal which we believed only had a slim likelihood of acceptance.

On the very same day he came across an article about backing a spouse’s achievements, he received the response indicating that the evaluators were thoroughly impressed with Elaine’s research paper. Later that night, he decided to surprise his wife by crafting a homemade poster featuring both the document and the positive feedback.

“He mentioned they had an excellent evening together,” stating that although a robust sexual connection is crucial for a partnership, he prefers not to disclose specifics.

Regarding Elaine, she greatly values Arthur’s honesty and integrity. She was raised in a family where, as she mentioned, if a waiter or cashier gave you too much change by accident, you kept quiet about it.

“She mentioned with a laugh, ‘You dashed off and giggled.’ However, Art, whom she refers to as her spouse, showed her that ‘having a clear mind before bedtime is more valuable than what you might gain by avoiding honesty,’” she explained.

Returning to those 36 questions now.

If you're still using that well-known quiz — which appears on first dates, in classrooms, at parties, and during corporate team-building events — to seek love, keep in mind that it wasn’t originally designed with romance in mind.

We created this method that enabled us to make two arbitrarily matched individuals experience a profound sense of closeness within approximately 45 minutes," Arthur explained. "Their connection did not necessarily mean they fell in love — fostering romantic feelings was not our objective; we simply aimed to generate a feeling of intimacy.

At the conclusion of the 45-minute session, participants feel as emotionally connected to someone they barely engaged with previously as they do to their nearest and dearest," he stated. "While this connection might not endure, it creates an extremely powerful impact.

Therefore, while these questions might help you get closer to someone, maintaining that relationship requires additional effort.

Consider Elaine and Arthur’s anniversary falling the day before Valentine’s Day. It might feel akin to someone whose birthday lands right before Christmas; their personal celebration could end up overshadowed by the holiday, or they might combine celebrations simply out of practicality.

However, Elaine and Aaron strive to maintain romance and mark both their anniversary and Valentine’s Day apart from each other. On their anniversary, Arthur usually creates handmade cards for Elaine, expressing gratitude for the delightful salads she cooks and acknowledging her as his "angel."

On Valentine's Day, they usually have dinner together and might also go for a hike that Elaine had planned beforehand.

For these individuals, it wasn't about just 36 questions; rather, it was over five decades of coexisting, collaborating, valuing one another, and rejoicing in their partnership that cultivated enduring affection.

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