7 Innocence-Stealing Phrases You Might Be Using on Your Kids
This common modern parental challenge goes like this: As you reach out to switch off the television, your child starts crying for just five more minutes or one additional show, despite your initial refusal. Giving in might seem simpler than enduring yet another meltdown. So what should you do?
Although it might address an issue right away, saying "Okay, go ahead and have more," shows children that persistently pushing limits could result in getting their way. This illustrates only one instance among many typical expressions parents use which might inadvertently foster entitled attitudes in kids.
"The manner in which we communicate with our children—whether it involves conceding to their demands, offering incentives, or permitting them to dodge responsibilities—influences their perception of limits and repercussions," stated Ann-Louise Lockhart , pediatric psychologist, parent mentor and founder of A New Dawn Pediatric Psychology Gradually, they might begin to believe they deserve things without putting in effort, potentially affecting their interactions and conduct as they mature.
We consulted with psychologists regarding which phrases to steer clear of—and what alternatives to use—when aiming to nurture "well-adjusted" children. Continue reading for their advice.
To begin with, what is the precise definition of "spoiled"?
"A ' spoiled' child typically learns to anticipate that their requirements and desires will be fulfilled effortlessly, without considering the impact on others," Lockhart clarified.
"There isn't 'a gene' for bratty children," he added. Michele Borba , an educational psychologist and writer of “ Prosperous Children: The Unexpected Factors Behind Why Certain Kids Face Challenges While Others Thrive ." How we engage with our children can foster this type of behavior.
"We believe that succumbing to their demands will lead to raising a more contented child… however, in truth, it actually has the opposite effect," she stated.
The positive aspect is that since "spoiled" is a behavior we acquire through learning, it can also be untaught.
"I dislike using the term 'spoiled' since kids aren't like fruits that become rotten and cease to be good," he clarified. Eileen Kennedy-Moore , psychologist and creator of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast.
Kennedy-Moore prefers to concentrate on particular actions where the child faces difficulties (such as handling being told "no") and examines how our choice of words can influence their level of collaboration.
1. "Alright, I suppose. But only this time."
What occurs if you initially refuse your child's request for a candy bar at the checkout and they persistently nag until you eventually yield?
“Lockhart pointed out this suggests that limits are malleable and can be crossed through sheer determination. It gradually imparts to children that if they persist vigorously, they will achieve their objectives.”
Rather than always agreeing, consider when it's appropriate to decline, suggested Kennedy-Moore. If the issue isn't significant to you, go ahead and say yes. However, if you have strong feelings on the subject, firmly say no and remain steadfast in your response.
“Sometimes it’s easier for your kid to accept … no if you explain why you’re saying it, but don’t get trapped into explaining endlessly or trying to convince your kid to like your decision,” she said. “It’s OK to say, ‘I’ve heard you. I’ve thought about it. The answer is still no.’”
Sticking to the boundary shows it was set for a reason and teaches kids how to manage disappointment, Lockhart said.
2. “If you’re good, I’ll get you a treat.”
"Although rewards do serve a purpose, frequently employing them to regulate behavior may foster a transactional attitude, causing children to act appropriately solely when anticipating some form of compensation," Lockhart clarified.
Instead, she suggests employing natural outcomes alongside positive reinforcement.
"You could say something along the lines of, 'Great job finishing your homework and staying concentrated. This means you now have extra time to enjoy playing outdoors before having dinner,'" she recommended.
She prefers to use rewards for bigger milestones or achievements, such as a child working to improve their grades.
“These rewards can be a high five [or] a verbal ‘I’m so proud of you,’” she said. “They can also include tangible rewards, like a later bedtime, choosing a favorite toy at the store, and getting to choose what dessert the family eats after dinner.”
3. “Of course you can have it now.”
Delaying a non-urgent request and teaching a child to wait is an invaluable tool, Borba said.
If you're on the phone and your child is interrupting or seeking attention, you could raise your hand and inform them that they must wait until you finish speaking, she advised. With younger children, consider assigning them an activity to keep busy during this time, like singing a song or counting to ten. This aids in diverting their focus until you have completed what you were doing and can attend to them.
“She mentioned that they must understand ... they cannot always get everything as they wish," she explained.
4. "Here’s what I’m giving you at present, however, you must vow to act appropriately afterward."
Your child might struggle with keeping such an agreement since 'now' differs from 'later,' according to Kennedy-Moore. Rather than emphasizing potential future outcomes beforehand, concentrate instead on the organic repercussions following their good actions.
For instance, if your kid is reluctant to dress up, you might say, "If you put your clothes on right away, we'll be able to squeeze in some playtime before heading off to school."
5. "You aren't required to do it if you'd rather not."
If this phrase is used to allow kids to opt out of a responsibility, such as household chores, it’s not teaching them accountability.
“It can send the message that they don’t need to follow through with responsibilities if they don’t feel like it, which can undermine their ability to handle discomfort or challenging situations,” Lockhart said.
This expression might often be used when a child enrolls in a sport or an after-school activity but then wishes to drop out.
"If this occurs, 'validate their emotions but bring up the commitment they made,' she advised. 'I recommend setting a specific timeframe to stay committed... and then reassessing as a team.''
"Six times I've instructed you to do this." Should be noted that the number "six" replaces "twelve," maintaining numerical variety but altering specific count representation. The overall message of repetition remains intact.
Corrected as per your instruction not needing notes:
"I have asked you twelve times before." This preserves the original numeric value for accuracy while changing sentence structure.
“If you tell your child to do something twelve times, you’re training [them] to ignore you 11 out of 12 times,” Kennedy-Moore said.
If they don’t listen the first time, she recommends making sure you have their full attention by walking over to them, making eye contact and even putting your hand on their shoulder.
“Tell [them] what [they] should do rather than what [they] shouldn’t, [and] give one brief direction at a time,” Kennedy-Moore explained. “It may help to then stand silently and expectantly near your child, waiting for [them] to do what [they’re] supposed to do.”
7. "I'll grab another toy/ball/etc. for your friend."
When your child takes a ball from others or doesn't share toys, suggesting they offer an alternative toy isn't beneficial in the long run.
"Your child isn’t learning how to share or consider others’ feelings," according to Borba.
If your child doesn't share or take turns, you might ask, "Imagine how you'd feel in their place?" Consistently discussing and identifying emotions is crucial as per Borba, helping children recognize these feelings themselves. Additionally, this practice fosters greater empathy towards others.
"Once your kid starts realizing they can contribute rather than just receive constantly, you're beginning to let go of their self-centeredness," she explained.
Once individuals shift from being self-focused to recognizing their influence on those around them, they tend to develop greater empathy, resilience, and overall happiness.
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